Whether your relationship is going well or not you can always think back to the outset of the relationship and, if you are able to look at those beginnings with an open mind and objectively, you can always say, I told you so. Or at least your parents, relatives or friends could say it.
Our initial reasons, feelings and intuition, or denial of the same are very telling about what our relationship will look like in the future. No surprises here. If, say, when you first met your partner your intuition told you that he/she was not for you for any particular reason or in general, and later you gave in to your feelings and reasons for not trusting your intuition, you may very well regret it at some point in the future. If you got into the relationship with an agenda, whenever your agenda gets fulfilled or is not pertinent any more, the relationship will most likely dissolve. You may even be unaware of the real reason why you do not want to be in a relationship any more, so you will look for some superficial immediate reason to end it, but if you go deep enough you will always find that original agenda being the real reason and cause for your “change of heart”.
Now imagine that your partner came into the relationship with an agenda that he/she has never revealed to you. Often they may not even be clear about it themselves, or they may be in denial about it. You may end up bewildered and confused as to what happened. You will never get a straight answer from your partner for the reasons mentioned above and you will have to settle for some other lame and unbelievable excuse for the break-up. Either way, the real reason most of the time lies in the initial reason for being in the relationship in the first place.
So, who chose your partner? Were they your fears, longings, desires, inner child, insecurities, low self-esteem, loneliness, sex drive, you name it. These are just some of the reasons. Men and women usually have very different ones. That particular difference makes it very difficult for you to discern what the real reasons are for your partner wanting out.
But when all is said and done, the reasons for breaking up most of the time are just that: reasons, plausible stories, excuses and explanations. Original agendas are rarely part of the break-up conversation and taking responsibility for it is not even on the radar screen. It is much easier to blame the other for your lack of commitment, responsibility, integrity and genuine love.
Awareness exercise: Being honest with yourself is very demanding, often uncomfortable, sometimes even impossible, but nevertheless, it is an essential practice for being in touch with reality and your growth and development. This exercise has two parts: a) no matter how resistant and uncomfortable it may be, admit to yourself the real reasons you got into the relationship in the first place, and b) remember what your initial reaction was when you met your future partner for the first time. What conclusions can you draw from these memories? Caution: This is neither the place nor the time to blame anyone, including yourself. Just notice what insights you come up with. You may even share them with your partner if you think it appropriate.
Please share those insights with us.